We've got an exclusive extract for you from last year's Shootin’ the Sh*t With Kevin Smith: The Best of SModcast:
From SModcast 53: Meat Curtains
The steak tartare story
KS: Will you eat raw beef?
SM: Like tartare?
SM: Sometimes. It’s not my favorite.
KS: I was crazy about tartare for a while.
SM: I know, I watched you…
KS: I was like, “What’s this?”
SM: “Did you cook that? Fuck that, get out of the way.”
KS: “It’s raw meat with an egg mixed in it? A raw egg? That’s fucked up and wonderful…”
SM: Don’t they sear the outside?
KS: And Worcestershire sauce… No.
SM: Oh, it’s just flat-out raw.
KS: I was fucking loving steak tartare. Basically, I never really saw it prepared, it just came to me, and it always looked like, “Wow, I’m just eating raw chopped meat.” But in France, we were in Paris once — it was me, the kid, the wife, and Byron and Gail, her parents. And I could order a steak tartare — France is the land of steak tartare. So at the hotel, I ordered steak tartare, and I’m always used to getting very small portions, usually done as an appetizer in a restaurant, so I ordered two servings of it. They were like, “Oh, sir, how many people are eating?” I’m like, “Just one!” “Oh.” So they show up, and they made it right in front of me, and — I am not exaggerating — each serving was easily two pounds of meat.
KS: Based on my knowledge of buying meat at a grocery store. They put it in a bowl, they put two raw eggs into each bowl — maybe, it was so large, it might have been more than two in that instance. He had like a carton of eggs with him. He came in with, like, two hunks of fucking chopped meat, a carton of eggs… I was just like, “Are you gonna cook it in front of me?” He was like [French accent], “We don’t cook it sir, is a beef tartare…”
KS: I was like, “I know, I love tartare.” And he prepped it in front of me — he put the eggs in it, and then he put some Worcestershire in it, and then, there was one other thing — maybe a little dab of ketchup or something like that. And then they mix it up, and then they’re like, “There you go.” When they prepare it in front of you, you’re just like, “Don’t you understand an oven?”
SM: “You want me to pay for this?”
KS: “You’re not done.”
KS: It’d be like somebody making a Betty Crocker cake without giving it the oven time, they just handed you the fucking mixing bowl and they’re like, “Eat it, that’s your cake.” So, I ate one whole serving, and then I was like, “Well, I’ve got to eat the other one ’cause it’s gonna go bad if I don’t, ’cause it’s raw meat, it’s not refrigerated.” We didn’t have refrigerators in the room, so I ate the other one. I don’t know if it was the sheer volume of raw meat that I ate, or if maybe some of the eggs were rotten eggs, maybe one in the bunch was a rotten egg, but… I got so fucking sick. And I’m used to overeating, so, I’ve overeaten to the point where I’m like, “Urgh, I think I’m gonna puke,” but I never puke. I hadn’t puked, at that point, in nineteen years. I hadn’t thrown up, didn’t remember the feeling of throwing up, nothing like that. Last time I’d thrown up prior to that I was really fucking drunk, I was sixteen and I was like, fucking plastered. You always think about throwing up as a very unpleasant thing, so you don’t want to do it, because you know, everything’s coming up your oesophagus, pushing up the wrong way, and then you’ve got a bad acidy taste — bad enough having acid reflux, but like, puking just seems like fucking Hell on Earth.
SM: Puking sucks.
KS: So, I hadn’t thrown up in nineteen years. I threw up four times that day, four times, and, I was also, before I threw up, I was just blowing brown piss out of my ass. Thick, puddingy brown piss like… I believe I got some form of food poisoning. I mean, it wasn’t obviously E. coli, because I’m still alive. Or maybe it was, do you necessarily die from E. coli each time?
SM: I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know what it means to have small traces of it or something like that. I mean that’s kinda like food poisoning. I had food poisoning once from McDonald’s…
KS: What was it from?
KS: Well, you don’t eat fish from McDonald’s. You eat beef.
SM: Yeah. Yeah, I got sick. But I didn’t get diarrhea, I fucking threw up.
KS: Well, first I had the diarrhea, and, number one, I’m sitting on a French toilet bowl, and they’re so different from an American toilet bowl, just uncomfortable to begin with, and the water — there’s only like a fucking spit worth of water in the fucking bowl. And so, I’m filling the bowl…
SM: With the poop.
KS: Yeah, liquidy shit, more than the water.
KS: And then when you flush it — because you can feel it, and it reeks like fuck, ’cause it’s not mixing with the water, if you shit in the water it kinda tempers it a little, but… if you shit in a glass of water, which we all do, from time to time, the smell’s not nearly as bad as if you shit in a paper towel. It reeks. So this was reeking, and then I’d flush it and there would be fucking spraying shit-water up on my ass, but I was just so sick I didn’t care, it was just like [makes squirting diarrhea sound-effect], and when you think you’re done, and you’re feeling nauseous, and you go to get up and then suddenly you’ve got to hit the bowl again and you’re blowing more muddy piss out your ass… then I started feeling, like, nauseous and I started getting these weird dry- heave-y kinda things, and then I fucking went from the bowl, which, my ass was smeared with liquid shit ’cause I didn’t have time to wipe, plus the toilet paper was really thin, I just leapt from the bowl straight to the…
KS: The tub, and fucking threw up for the first time in nineteen years. And it wasn’t that unpleasant, the feeling of throwing up. It wasn’t like I had feared it would be, for almost twenty years, like, “Oh, I never wanna throw up ’cause it’ll be bad.” It wasn’t that bad, and in fact, I felt a little better afterwards. But I did that three times, and I would — I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I went from the tub to the toilet, to the tub to the toilet, three times within the span of like, four minutes.
SM: It was just, coming out, all…
KS: And it’s one of those times when you don’t want anybodyaround. It’s just
SM: This is me at my worst.
KS: Yeah, and it’s like… not even me at my worst, my wife has gotten drunk to the point of like, puking and I’ve held her hair and stuff like that, so that doesn’t… it’snot, fucking, you know, I’d rather be eating her pussy than watching her puke, but it’s not the worst thing in the world. But if you’re like, fucking leaning over a tub, vomiting…
SM: With your ass covered in…
KS: With your ass in the air covered in, smeared with liquid shit. That’s just enough to like… if I was her, and in that room, I’d be like, “I don’t think I can ever fuck this guy again without having this image in my head.” And you can’t like, you know, “My dignity... [vomit sound].” You can’t… like, “Throw a towel over my ass.” It’s just such a fucking…
SM: You just kinda lock yourself in the bathroom.
KS: Oh, I totally did. And then like for twenty-four hours straight, I was in living hell. I was so cold, and fucking… It was bad, man, I really thought I was gonna fucking die. And then like twenty-four hours later suddenly I was OK again. But I never went near fucking steak tartare after that. And I was never quite sure, like I said, if there was a bad egg in there, or whether it’s just ’cause I ate four pounds.
Kevin Smith at SDCC
Saturday, July 24
7:15-8:45 Kevin Smith— He's back! Spend a quiet, refined evening with the one-and-only Kevin Smith, who will no doubt solve all the bad things in the world for you or, at the very least, make you laugh a few hundred times. Hall H
10:00-12:00 Kevin Smith presents Cop Out in "Maximum Comedy Mode"— Director Kevin Smith (Clerks, Chasing Amy) is on hand for the world premiere presentation of Cop Out in "Maximum Comedy Mode," the latest innovation in home entertainment viewing that showcases the comical stunts, improves, and hi-jinks that went into creating this side-splitting buddy cop film. Bruce Willis (Die Hard) and Tracy Morgan (30 Rock) star as bickering Brooklyn cops on the hunt for a stolen 1952 mint-condition baseball card, plunging them into a gun-slinging war with a deadly drug ring. "Maximum Comedy Mode" features Kevin Smith and Seann William Scott making onscreen appearances to guide Blu-ray viewers through the behind-the-scenes hilarity. Stop by for a bundle of laughs and a bucket of popcorn, courtesy of Warner Bros. Indigo Ballroom, San Diego Hilton Bayfront.